Previous Post – Weekend Linkage #6

Several years ago I wrote a blog post on venting and confession.  In the comment section, I friend mentioned the image I used (seen above) was from the Alfred Hitchcock film “I Confess”.  She recommended I see it, which I intended to do, but completely forgot.  Until last week (and I enjoyed it very much).  Watching the film, then rereading the old post, I began think again about confession, deciding to preach on it this past Sunday at Little Flowers Community.

Being in leadership, I have had many situations in which people came to be in order to “vent”.  That is, they were anger, hurt and upset with someone (and/or a circumstance) and wanted to release those feelings by sharing them.  More often than not it is an unpleasant session of hearing anger turn to bitterness, often developing into threats- ultimately empty expressions of emotion, but still disconcerting.  Having listened to many such venting sessions, I realized how often I subjected others to it and have done my best to avoid doing so.  Several years ago I started to suggest to the venters that, perhaps, this wasn’t a healthy way to process.  Almost inevitably I would be told:

“I am just being honest with how I am feeling!  Can’t I be real with you?  Would you prefer I just ignore things and pretend my feelings aren’t there?”

To which I would have little to say, so let them spew on.

While I still believe that this way of processing is generally unhealthy for all involved, there was a fair question in their response: How could they be real about how they feel without venting?  Around the time I was considering this, I was reading a lot on two different fronts (in typical INTJ fashion)- psychology and confession.  The former was teaching me about how repeated patterns of behaviour, especially related to strong emotions, can actually create neurological patterns of dependency in people.  People could literally become dependent on venting, rage, etc.  Increasingly venting is being seen as something that, practiced habitually, can be unhealthy.

It was then that I began to recognize the difference between telling the facts accurately and speaking the truth.  Jesus teaches us that He is the Truth- not that He merely has it or knows it, but embodies it.  Since Jesus is the incarnation of the God of love and grace, we realize that Truth is therefore also always loving and gracious (even if difficult).  Where speaking the facts about something might be accurate, if it does not ultimately lead to life, is it ultimately Truth?  Venting generally brings anything but life to the speaker, listener or the object of the anger.  So how can we be honest with where we are at while remaining truthful in how we do so?

This leads to the second area of interest- confession.  Reading from several Catholic perspectives (such as Dorothy Day, Henri Nouwen, Jean Vanier, Peter Maurin, Thomas Merton, etc.), the idea of confession began to break past the shallow Hollywood version that most Evangelicals are raised with.  Confession has a rich tradition and a multiplicity of expression.  For the purposes of this blog I am looking at confession in three basic ways:

• Confession is to acknowledge one’s belief or faith in something (Romans 10:9)
• Confession is to acknowledge one’s own moral failings/sin (James 5:15-16)
• Confession is to own or admit something as being true (Ephesians 4:14-16)

It is the third understanding that offers us a great deal of practical help as we face anger and venting.  Owning something as true means taking responsibility for oneself in any situation.  While this does not deny that we can be wronged by others and that things need to be corrected, it recognizes that in our anger we are first and foremost (and most often exclusively) responsible for our own hearts.  Here is a simple example of the difference:

• Venting: “John is such a jerk!  He doesn’t care about anyone but himself.  He never listens to anything.  I could just slap him when he does that!”
• Confessing: “I was really hurt by what John said and did.  I feel like he doesn’t care about what I have to say.  It makes me very angry when he does that.”

Now, I acknowledge this is something of an oversimplification, but the difference is critical.  The speaker can only definitively express what they are feeling.  They avoid the extreme language of “never” and “always”.  They resist living out in their heart the retaliation they know to be wrong.  This shift does not deny that John may have made mistakes, but returns the speakers emphasis onto themselves, the only person they ultimately are responsible to correct.  Anyone who is in a healthy marriage will tell you that culpability in an argument cannot be broken into percentages.  Even if the other person initiated, heightened, etc. the fight, if you have done anything wrong, that is your 100%.  You are just as responsible for that as the other person is for their 100%.  This is an act of discipline- one that does not deny the fault of others, but relinquishes the right to be right and focus on our own heart & actions.

Hebrews 12:14-15 tells us: “Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” The imagery around the phrase “bitter root” is vivid- something small beneath the surface that grows over time, digging deeper and deeper, harder to remove as time goes by and that eventually produces fruit in it’s own nature.  While we need to work at reconciliation, many times when we are treated wrongfully, the other person(s) will not acknowledge it.  Most of us will be the victim of major wounding and/or injustice that will never be made right in respect to the offender.  This even further illustrates why we must own and admit our own failings, release grace and forgiveness to others rather than entertaining and spewing the anger we feel inside.

To whom do we confess?  First and foremost, God.  God is the only one who can hear our venting without being tainted by it.  However, because of how it can harm us, it is still not advisable.  We need to bring things to God first and foremost.  We should also bring them to one another as fellow Christians.  This can be tricky, as it often quickly becomes gossip.  It is therefore wisest to only share such confession with a trusted, mature Christian friend who has enough distance from the situation.  “Confessing” to a dozen friend is hardly what is going to be helpful for anyone.  That is why a pastor, mentor, spiritual director, confessor, etc.- essentially someone you see as a spiritual authority in your life is a good options.  Do you lack that?  Then you have something to work on!

This kind of confession does not change the person(s) or circumstances you are angry with, but invites the Spirit to do the transformation in your heart.  When you are changed, then the situation is changed with it.  While it won’t always be easier, it will continue form you in the image of Christ.