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It is a strange thing to come into your vocation.  I have been a missionary for over 15 years, but it has been in the last few years, when I have stepped into the role of pastor of the church we planted (Little Flowers Community), that I have felt the most fulfilled.  However, it is also some of the hardest times in my life, bringing me closer the warning flags for burn out.  I believe in what we are doing, convinced that we are humbly following God’s missional identity for us.  The challenge is to try and make it sustainable.

Sustainability has to do with much more than just finances (though that is significant, as I will explain shortly).  The levels of energy and time required to form and nurture a missional community in an inner city context are far greater than we expected, tapping our reserves very quickly.  I am daily amazed by my wife & our small team of missionaries who willingly live on next to nothing, working long hours in (often) thankless service to God & others.  It truly is worth it.

However, I never thought that such a commitment might threaten our ability to have a family.  When my wife & I found out that, despite being seemingly highly fertile that we could not conceive, we began to look at other options.  International adoption was the most viable & responsible given our circumstances.  While local adoption was less expensive, we were told to expect a 10-13 year wait to get a referral, even then only after several other children came in and out of our home.  After the loss of our first child, we were not prepared for that.

And so we began the long and expensive process of adopting a child from Ethiopia.  The only benefit of the long process was that it allowed us to slowly save the necessary funds (or at least a good portion of them).  However, due to changing policies, etc. the adoption costs increased.  We buckled down, simplifying even more and saved every penny.  Things were looking promising.

This week, however, we learned from the Canadian “taxman” that I would not be eligible for the Clergy Deductions.  Essentially what it comes down to is that, because my church cannot afford to pay me and because I am therefore paid through my role as a local missionary (with YWAM), I am not technically a paid pastor.  As a result, the small return we were looking at receiving has now transformed into a bill to the Canadian government for over $3000.  Our first appeal was rejected and our second isn’t looking promising.  Thankfully, with the money we have been saving, we can pay it without going into debt, but it otherwise cleans us out.  The adoption fund is back to running on fumes.

I have every confidence that God will provide, as He has time and again throughout our ministry.  And as one of my new Haitian friends told me while I was visiting there last month, “Discouragement is not Christian”.  We are hopeful and trusting that God will provide for us our daily bread and we will be grateful for His sufficient provision, even if it isn’t what we expected.

That being said, I am finding it difficult not being discouraged.  It is hard to not wonder if we are riding on fumes ourselves, with the end just around the next corner.  I want to believe otherwise, but I am tired and drained.  People have it far worse than me, so I know I should get some perspective and move on, but I just feel like I have so little left to give.  Burn out isn’t a present reality, and having been there before, I am very thankful for that.  At the same time, it also means I am unwilling to go there again.

I do not mean for this to sound like whining.  Rather it is just the honest confession of a missional Christians seek to follow Christ’s radical call as best I can.  These are the realities of such a path.  It is an all too common story.  In part we must all learn together to persevere regardless of circumstances.  However, we must also band together to consider new and innovative ways to do mission & life together for the future.