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I remember the first time another guy called me out to fight. I was in my early teens and another kid at the community center just didn’t like me. He told me he was going to kick my ass the moment I stepped outside, so I had better be ready to fight back. I swallowed hard, fear rising in my gut. I glanced around frantically, but there was no one around to help.
As I stepped into the sunshine that day, the first thing that caught my eye across the street was our little white, steepled church. In that instant I knew I could not fight this other boy. When he appeared with his buddy in tow, I informed him that I wasn’t going to fight him. He snickered and attacked. In a matter of seconds he had me in a head-lock, frustratedly demanding that I fight back. He swore at me, called me names- even as a kid I wondered why calling me a little girl was supposed to upset me- but refuse to punch me until I struck at him. I wouldn’t do it.
Eventually he let me go and got in my face, his buddy right beside him. I wasn’t going to run, no matter how badly I wanted to. Something deep down inside me told me that he needed to know that I was not restraining myself simply out of fear. So I stood there and said nothing. They shoved me. They called me names. Finally, in a moment of dark inspiration and fed up with my lack of response, they took turns spitting thick gobs of phlegm into my face. And I did nothing.
That is the day I truly believe I became a man.
When they finally walked away and I wiped the spittle from my face, I expected to feel waves of revulsion, shame and hatred overwhelm me- after all, anyone who knew me as a kid knows I had a violent temper. Instead, a deep and painfully beautiful peace settled over me. I sensed the Holy Spirit in a way I had never experienced at point in my life (and rarely since).
Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near…
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Far from the skinny kid I was back then, I am now a fairly big guy. No one would use the term “effeminate” to describe- at least those who would presume that to be pejorative. I’ve had amazing men model manhood to me, including my wonderful, athletic, “guys-guy” of a father. I’ve been happily and healthily married to my wife for almost 10 years. I am a pastor and an urban missionary in one of our city’s more troubled (and beautiful) neighbourhoods. I saw all this because, as an adult, I’ve never had to defend my masculinity. So this post is not an attempt to justify myself. There is no need to.
However, because of the experiences of my youth and what I have seen through the 20 years I have been in ministry, I felt it was important to say something about this topic. I am a man. I would like to believe that, most of the time, I am also a godly man. Further- and here’s the critical point- while fully a man, my godliness is as “effeminate” and it is “masculine”, because so is my God.
So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.
I was raised in a Christian home, going to a rural, evangelical church. Like many churches then and now, it did not take me long to realize that a significant portion of the ministry of church was sustained and carried forward by women of all ages. While our church always had men in the pastorate- good men!- we all knew the story of how our church was formed primarily out of the ministry of a young woman. I grew up watching women organize events, cook meals, teach Sunday school, raise families and so much more. And though I knew from what my family taught me that women could (and should) be free to do more than just these “traditional” roles, even in those tasks I learned godliness in deep and profound ways.
All too often we want to grab hold of cultural norms- be they healthy or otherwise- and universalize them as “biblical absolutes”. The results of such choices lead to the alienation and marginalization of many people who are held back from being the authentic, godly individuals they were created to be. In an age where people will quickly denounce someone a heretic for the wording of their articulated theology, why are we not incensed over these incarnated blasphemies against the nature of God, in whose image women and men are equally created?
I am part of the church, the Bride of Christ. To be so identified with some beautiful and sensual a figure as she relates to Jesus does not disturb me. Why should it? It is a humbling and moving reality that I embrace, turning to my sisters in the Church to teach me about that aspect of God and godliness that I could never begin to explore without their place at my side as teacher, pastor, guide, mother, sister, aunt, author, bishop, babysitter, friend and leader.
Some say there is a crisis of masculinity in the church. I agree. Godly masculinity is being threatened every time “effeminate” or “feminine” are used as criticism. Godly masculinity is diminished every time we buy into the hateful distortion of sin that equates strength with dominance and violence. Godly masculinity is twisted every time we deny a person’s role in marriage and the family based upon their gender. Godly masculinity is tarnished whenever we seek to justify inequity and subjugation through the language of “roles” and “nature”. More than this, the God in whose image we are made becomes that much more obscured from us and watching world when we buy into the lies of the “machismo man”.
In a few weeks, my wife and I will be bringing home our first child- a little 3 year old boy that we adopted from Ethiopia. Given the dynamics of work, our sense of vocation and the strengths each of bring into the marriage, I will be the primary caregiver- a stay-at-home Dad.
I can think of few other things that better express my godly masculinity.
Tags: family, gender, masculinity
This is a thoughtful post. I think it takes a secure man, to not be concerned with how masculine he appears to be. Our worth is found in things so much more transcendent then body parts/biology.
The Kingdom of God is not petty. It’s redemptive.
Thank you God for making us yours!
Thanks Lisa. The difference between men & women should not divide us. In fact, it is in the unity in our diversity that we best reflect the image of God. Thanks again!
Blessings to you, beloved brother! Your precious son is fortunate, indeed. Thank you for embracing the work ahead — it will be the hardest and greatest work you have ever done … and you will be investing in the next generation in the most important kind of way.
Thanks Peggy! And thanks for being such a voice of vision and wisdom in my life too.
Thanks Jamie for sharing this part of your story. What an amazing gift of the Spirit that you had that experience and were able to walk faithfully through it as a teenager!
(I had a similar experience and my gentleness, alas, was not evident to any. I still think about that experience – now 20 years past. And I have to wonder if my convictions and understanding of the Prince of Peace would make me different now. But anyway – I know that wasn’t the main point.)
I value your perspective on gender and the church and I appreciate your indictment of “incarnated blasphemies” that persist.
Lord have mercy -
Peace
Wayne
Hey man – as always, love your perspective. At the risk of being labeled a Driscoll-sympathizer (which is rather unpopular these days) I do applaud him in at least making an attempt to articulate distinctions between men and women (however outrageously he does it) in an age that wants to blur all such distinctions, and then in trying to call people to live up to the glory of what God made them to be…
So I guess my question is – since you said that “Godly masculinity is diminished every time we do X…”, and since the title of this post was “What a Godly man looks like” – from your perspective, what is Godly masculinity, and is it different from Godly femininity?
Loaded question I know… I just think that if we’re going to push back on guys like Mark (and I’m with you and Rachel and others on that), we ought to be able to hold out something better, and maybe even more clear ???
Much love bro.
Andrew
Why do we have to build a box to put male and female in?
I think what he means by the title “What a Godly man looks like” is that he doesn’t fit into any stereotypical box. Look at any child of God… and that’s what a Godly person looks like.
I’m with you on the distinctions, and I’m all for gender roles, but a single man/woman will not fulfil those roles in a way that a married man/woman does, and that doesn’t make them any less Godly.
Thanks Wayne. I wish my response was always as non-violent as that story, but I have given in to the easier, weaker choice of angry outbursts many times.
Hey Andrew. I think the distinctions between men and women are important to recognize and explore, but I feel that Driscoll has gone too far. I cannot applaud him for his efforts, as I think he causes more harm than good with this respect. That is, of course, based upon my presuppositions about the issue and thus, see it little different than someone using the same technique in discussing racial differences. It is violent language that does harm. That said, I would never question the sincerity of his faith.
The title of the post was GOING to be changed for that very reason, but in my eagerness I hit post. I had several paragraphs more on that topic, but it was getting to be a post all its own. I think the main challenge here is that it is very, very difficult to recognize the cultural norms from the universal truths. So I decided to let the story and the few comments reflect my general idea of manliness- that is, being godly as a man. Are there generalizations that could be made about either gender? Of course, but too often those of us who are exceptions to those generalizations are marginalized and rejected as ‘deviant’ and/or unbiblical.
I suspect I will be writing more on this topic, as I didn’t want this post to be too long. Yes, it deserves clarity and I hope to address that soon. However, part of the clarity is not having to define every aspect of gender identity. Some things are personality, culture, experience, etc. (or combination thereof). In this case, I felt that something needed to be said. I suspect I will write about marriage, parenting, non-violence, etc.
I’d love to hear your thoughts too. Thanks bro!
Thanks for your kind words, Lexa. Peace!
Yeah man I hear you. My concern as you might guess is a thoroughly pastoral one… the mass of 20-somethings running around in my city/congregation who have ABSOLUTELY NO framework for understanding – on even a basic level – what the words “man, woman, dad, mom, husband, wife” mean just kills me… and hurts them. We need better voices to help shepherd people into an understanding of where they fit in the universe… and too often, in reaction to the Piper, MacArthuer, and Driscolls of the world, many of my ilk are simply hesitant to say anything at all.
So I’m all ears for someone from our neck of the theological/ecclesiological/missiological world to put forward some positive thoughts on the topic… it would help me immensely.
Grace to you my friend.
Hey Andrew. I totally understand and we deal with the same dynamic here at Little Flowers. What is interesting, though, is how many of our people (especially the guys) have been DEEPLY wounded by strict frameworks of gender, such as Driscolls. In fact, I would argue that those culturally biased expressions put forward as biblical absolutes have actually been more harmful than helpful, creating more of the very thing they are seeking to correct. Peace.
Beautiful.
Thanks Crystal. So are YOU!
Hi Jamie,
This is a very interesting article that touches many issues. Melissa and I have had an odd mishmash of sexual rolls since we were first married. As our family grew the rolls are even more mixed, at least according to the traditional rolls.
I have become a part time stay at home dad, I cook, clean, and change the diapers. Sometimes this leads to friction for various reasons, but for the most part it seems to work well. People sometimes have a hard time with the way we do things, and that seems to affect Melissa more than I.
I think slowly the norms are changing, and the traditional is becoming less common. It probably depends on were you live as well, in this corner of the world the traditional is still the “normal” or “best” way…
Thanks for the thoughts.
Chris
Chris, thanks for your input. Yes, it is still difficult to live contrary to the norm in places. Sadly, the church is often the least open place for it. Keep living according to what is best for your family. Every option will have tensions, but making your decision based on your convictions & not social pressure is still the best option. Peace!
Thank you Jamie for your honesty and your story…. you were a much more godly man than I would have been in that situation. I would have been much more likely to use my feminine but very unladylike left hook and leave him in a pile of pulp!
I think that the danger in discussing “masculine” vs. “feminine” is that we too often forget that they are DESCRIPTIVE terms not PRESCRIPTIVE terms, when we start to say feminine=female=woman=specific set of acceptable activities and roles and start to say masculine=male=man=specific set of acceptable activities and roles. It starts to smell of the horrible phrases “BE A MAN!” and “THAT’S NOT LADY LIKE”.
Each one of us is created in Gods image and as such each of us is created masculine and feminine. We become a godly man or woman (or rather let’s say godly human) when we can honestly look at ourselves, including our masculine and feminine attributes and the gifts that stem from them and use them to be the best representation of God on this earth that we can.
A godly man is aware of his masculine and feminine attributes and gifts and uses them for God’s glory and to build God’s community. Thus a godly man gifted as a husband, father, hearth and home keeper, and community builder properly should take up his gifting and calling as the person who pastorally creates the community of god in which we worship and walk out our faith by decorating the altar, hosting the teas, organizing the bake sales, and taking primary responsibility for raising up our next generation of godly humans. This man is as much a godly man as one who uses gifts he has been given to preach, or be a CEO. An ungodly man rejects his gifts and acts according to his own (or his culture’s) pre-deterined roles without regard for his gifts or talents. A man gifted in those areas we call “feminine” who rejects that to become a CEO is as ungodly as a man who rejects gifts to be a CEO to do the work of keeping the hearth and home.
I think that when we can start to move past our cultures historical baggage and learn to look to each other as whole people that God has made we will begin to see our communities grow and shine as people discover and follow their gifts and callings.
Oh dear, that was rather a longer response than planned… apparently this is something important to me. One of the reasons this is so important is that I see in my three godsons a mirror of this whole issue. Between the three of them they run the gamut from very masculine, to very feminine, to something in the middle and each of them is growing into a good and godly man, and if I have anything to say about it will be allowed to follow his gifts as best serves the community.
I would also pass along a request that was made of me recently which made me think about my use of language when talking about the feminine aspect of the men in my life. The term “effeminate” is aperjorative term, like “emasculate” it implies that something is being taken away from or is damaged. Thus I am trying hard to use the term “feminine” when describing feminine attributes of people rather than using “feminine” for those attributes in females and “effeminate” when describing feminine attributes in males. It’s not often I get caught short on my gender language but that one caught me so I pass it along for consideration by others.
Lastly, congratulations again on your parenthood! You will make a great father.. including all your feminine and masculine gifts
Hey Maria,
I think you hit the nail on the head. While I do believe that there are generalization that have some merit, as biology will increase the odds of certain behaviours, the problem comes when we demand adherence to those behaviours based on gender. Even with culturalization aside (which is impossible, in reality) we would probably still find consistent patterns. However, when someone doesn’t fit the “norm”, that should be acceptable. This does not deny that some behaviours stem from negative dynamics, nor does it means “every thing goes”. Rather, if I am not into sports, but more into theatre, that should not be seen as any less “manly”.
Again, I don’t think we will ever be free of culture- nor should we be. Rather, we should be able to recognize culture as very often being amoral. Not all of it, but much of it, especially with respect to some of these dynamics.
I also appreciate your comments on the word “effeminate”. It is pejorative, which is sad in its literally meaning. It is sad what we have made it. Thanks again for the great comment.
Cool. I emplore you to capitalize on the momentum here and address the areas of the scripture that have traditionally (and improperly) been used to shame women and hold them down, and tell us what they truly mean.
Hey Micheal. That’s a worthy request, but a big one. We cannot deny that Scripture contains a great deal of patriarchy. Perhaps there are a few verses you would like to suggest more specifically?
Jamie,
As I’m sure you’ve guessed, I was a bit different than you in high school. I was angry, aggressive, loud, violent, and profane. I listened to heavy metal and gansta rap, relished any competition where I could dominate others, and I’d fight anyone who insulted me, no matter how outmatched I was.
None of that made me a man. In fact, I’d say it was definitive proof that I was still a boy. And that’s the overwhelming feeling I get when I see guys like Driscoll overcompensating wildly in public. “Really? Are you that insecure in your masculinity that you have to prove that you have enough testosterone to in your body to juice up the entire roster of the New York Yankees? Are you 16?”
When people get so worked up about how they “can’t be a man in church”, I wonder what they are trying to prove to themselves. To me, real maturity in your womanhood or manhood means that you stop feeling like you have to prove it to anybody else.
There’s a part of me that still likes to curse and drink PBR, that believes with religious fervor that The Other Guys is the funniest movie of all time, that enjoys throwing heavy things, and gets a huge kick out of military hardware. But there’s another part of me that deeply desires to be more loving and gentle with my words, to have a tender heart towards things I want to mock, to have a calming touch and a quiet spirit. I don’t think I need to specify which part is the purer product of my ongoing sanctification.
When we look at Scripture, we see so clearly that the men we are to emulate weren’t confident in their testosterone, they were confident in their God. David doesn’t boast in his fighting prowess, but in the Lord. Paul puts no confidence in his flesh, but in the Spirit. Peter doesn’t become the man he was meant to be until he is humbled and ashamed by his weakness.
So I’m thankful for the men in my life who aren’t macho. I’ve learned a lot from them, and I look forward to learning even more.
An honest & helpful comment, Jonathan. Thank you for sharing it. I think you nailed it.
Peace,
Jamie
P.S. Actually, I wouldn’t have guessed that about you in high school. So, good for you! Your gentle side is evident!
Nah, I wasn’t looking for something specific, just a scripture that you had thought has been used improperly.
Ok, perhaps it would be worth a post of its own. I won’t explain them here, as comment sections are too limiting, but I would cite the following as texts that are often misused:
1 Cor. 11:2-16
1 Cor. 14:26-40
1 Timothy 2:1-15
To name a few…
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Hi Jamie-
So glad the time for bringing Micah home is finally drawing near!
So bummed to hear the same discouraging stuff going around the ‘net yet again. I don’t feel a great desire to jump into the fray, especially when what I want to do is verbally hit someone upside the head. I find I really am coming from a different perspective the longer I’m Orthodox.
I did want to send these articles your way; I’ve had them bookmarked for quite a while. I think they will help as you are planning on what to write in the future.
http://bluechristian.blogspot.com/search/label/Mary%20Stewart%20Van%20Leeuwen
Thanks for your measured response. Much love to you & Kim.
Dana
Thanks Dana. I can imagine that your perspective has changed through your journey. I suspect we land in different places in some respects, but I would be very interested to hear your thoughts.
I’ll take a look at those links. Thanks again!
A fabulous post, Jamie.
Thanks Bill!
Fantastic post. Thanks for sharing this, Jamie.
Thanks Ryan.
Wow! That took a ton of courage to neither fight back nor run away when the bully and his henchman harassed you so badly. I haven’t heard of too many people who would have done what you did, which, really, was following Jesus’ instruction to turn the other cheek, go the extra mile, and give more than what is asked for. I’m taking it as an example to follow–not that I encounter anyone who challenges me to get into a fist fight–that I don’t need to defend myself; I don’t need to fight back, either with words or body; that there is a courage and strength in simply standing (or sitting) there and taking what comes–not that the other never has value but we simply don’t get shown very often how to “do it” they way you did.
As for gender roles, it’s such a complicated issue. I look forward to your subsequent posts on the topic.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Thanks Debbie. In truth, my weakness is the point you make- even our words needs to peaceful, which mine fail to be too often.
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