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“Where does one go from a world of insanity? Somewhere on the other side of despair.” -T S Eliot
This post has been a long time in the making. Even now, as I sit here to write it, I am not sure if I am ready or even know what to say. However, I feel compelled to write something, even if just to give myself the chance to process. Please bear with me if I lack focus.
Last year three people I knew committed suicide. One was a long-time family friend who, faced with a broken marriage and family, decided he could not go on. And so on Christmas Day he ended his life. Another was a friend I made online, Gideon. This brilliant man of God brought much life and light into peoples lives through his friendship, his wisdom and the beauty of the liturgies he would write. Despair and depression over-whelmed him as well. His silence is still felt by so many.
The most significant suicide of the three happened almost a year ago on Mother’s Day. Andrew, the brother of one of our first Little Flowers Community members, had recently become a Christian and joined our small inner city church. However, an undiagnosed and untreated mental illness sent him into a cloud of paranoia and fear. He climbed up several stories into a construction site a few hundred meters from our house and threatened to jump. I was the first civilian on the scene and stood there for nearly eight hours until I watched my young friend leap to his death. That image will forever be seared into my heart and mind.
As a pastor, I am inevitably asked some very difficult questions in times like this, such as “Do people who take their own lives go to heaven?”. Andrew’s mother, a Catholic woman, had always been taught that suicide meant that the person would go straight to Hell. I was able to offer small comfort by showing her that the Roman Catholic Church does not believe this to be true in cases of mental illness. However, such answers aren’t to always so clear in all situations.
Though I personally cannot imagine that God would turn away such sons as Andrew or Gideon, whose faith was so true and apparent to all who knew them, I refuse to make claims about who is saved and who is not in such cases. Neither do I wish to offer empty or false hope in the name of comfort or easy answers. Inevitably such deaths leave us unsettled, broken and afraid. The need for God and one another is desperately more important than theological speculation. This is easier said than done, but something we must be very sensitive to when dealing with these very real situations.
Rather, it is to those of us left behind that I would rather focus our attention. Andrew’s death was a further tragedy because Amy, his sister, had been desperately trying to get Andrew treatment. Others in his life downplayed the problem, even rebuking Amy for being so insensitive to her brother. A few had the humility to acknowledge this after his death, mourning their own unwillingness to see and address the truth. Hindsight offers a bitter clarity.
This is perhaps the more critical lesson we must learn. We must get past the stigma attached to depression (and other mental health issues) so that we can both identify and intervene when the people we love are hurting. I am not suggesting that our failure to do so is the cause of suicide- by no means! Rather, I am calling us to a great depth of honesty, humility and intimacy that allows us to bring just that much more light and hope into potentially deadly circumstances.
Within an hour of Andrew’s death, Amy and her daughter (who lived with Andrew across from the site of his death) moved into the community house with us. In loving support, many others in the church also moved in, rallying together to grieve the loss and celebrate the memory of Andrew’s short life. While very little formal “ministry” happened in that time, there was a sense of deep holiness throughout.
Suicide is devastating, but again the stigma attached to it can often lead us to a “hush-hush” approach to comforting and grieving. Any death can be cripplingly difficult, but suicide has proven itself to be something that exponentially destructive on those around. It is not uncommon, for example, for suicides to come in pairs (or more), especially where young people are involved. We must break past the “proper” and be actively and intentionally involved in facing the realities of suicide on family, friends and even the wider community.
If you are facing depression or despair that leads to suicidal thoughts or impulses, please, please please talk to someone you trust. If you don’t have someone, take advantage of the resource available in your community. And if you are approached by someone who is suicidal, but demands you keep it a secret, have the sense to break that promise for the sake of life and hope. Do not try to carry it yourself. Get the help you need from your faith community AND professional mental health workers. The diversity of feelings you will grapple with, from guilt to anger to even euphoria, are too much handle alone.
Finally, if you have lost someone close to you through suicide, don’t try to carry it alone. The impact of such a loss can linger for a long time, even when you feel it has lost its immediate hold on you. Don’t try to be “strong” for others by putting aside your own need for healing, grieving and support. It is this very mentality that too often leads the suicidal to keep their plans to themselves. And in the end, do not let guilt set down roots in your life. We can all make better choices, but we cannot take responsibility for the choices of others, especially ones of such finality.
Above all, we must begin to talk about it together. Let us bring the issue of suicide out of the darkness and into the light, before each other and God. And there we will find hope in the face of despair.
“Where there is despair, may we bring hope.” -St Francis of Assisi
Comforting and wise words Jamie, will be remembering your wonderful community in prayer and will be so happy to be with you all again this year. I’ll pick a date soon.
Thanks Chris. We are really looking forward to having you out here too!
i know i commented on the link you posted on Facebook, but i feel like saying a bit more.
When i was in high school and a bit after i graduated i often felt a great deal of despair, and i had a lot of dark thoughts about self-harm and suicide. If i hadn’t talked to my friends about those feelings, i know i probably would have ended up trying something. While their comfort mostly rang false in my ears some small part of me knew to resist the lies i fed myself.
This topic, for me, really emphasizes the importance of community. We so desperately need each other to help carry our burdens and give us a broader perspective, especially those of us (read: myself) who have very biased and distorted views of ourselves.
i could go on and on, but i’ll leave it at that for the sake of clarity and ease of understand since if i wrote much more it would just end up being convoluted and hard to follow.
Again, thank you Jamie for your sensitivity and wisdom on such a difficult topic.
i love you man.
Thanks for your honest, bro. It is so true what you say- both in general and with respect to you. We see so much in you that you do not see. I am really very blessed to call you friend and share life in community with you. Love you too, bro.
Peace,
Jamie
Jamie, thanks for writing this. I experienced deep deep depression in high school that led to me being within inches of committing suicide, so this issue is always an important one for me. Part of the despair for me was feeling that I would be shunned in my church if I was to admit to being depressed, and that made the despair harder and harder. Thankfully a friend that I had told about it told a school counselor and it led to a lot better situation for me.
I’m thankful for the manner you wrote this in and the exhortations for us to move towards being the sorts of healing, loving faith communities we so need.
I appreciate the time you’ve taken to write this, but as one who has (by God’s grace) recovered from years of suicidal feelings, I am uncomfortable with your third to last paragraph.
I remember it being extremely difficult to talk to anyone or to find anyone I trusted because I knew so many people, no matter how close a friend, would not know how to handle my “secret” and so would shy away from the friendship I needed (and had before being honest) and tell someone else/a professional. This betrayal of trust would only bring more despair, and I can honestly say all the professional help I ever got never did one iota of good, and really only made things more difficult.
I do not know that your advice is not the best advice in some cases, but I think at the very least it could be detrimental in some cases. I think my struggle was due to incredibly difficult circumstances in life compounded by lack of social support, and I have recovered only when the circumstances have passed. Perhaps if there is evidence of real mental illness such as schizophrenia/paranoia then professional help is needed, i don’t know – but I say that with hesitation because people in crisis often cannot be well understood by people who have not experienced such deep crisis, and so may be suspected to be mentally ill when they are not. The advice I offer (and you can take it for whatever it’s worth) to those who have been confided in by a suicidal friend is this: be the friend they need, just as you were before you knew they had this struggle. Know their struggle, pray for them, and listen when they want to talk, but do not treat them as a different person, who needs someone else and not you. Be the friend you’ve always been, because the friend you have been is the friend they trust and need to be able to continue to trust. If they require ask you not to tell anyone, I recommend using cautious judgment and being very hesitant to betray confidence – doing so only at clear need (e.g. they’ve told you they plan on/intend to imminently commit suicide), yet emphatically encouraging them to seek professional help themselves, and aiding them in this if they choose to take your advice.
Anonymous,
Thanks for sharing here. I appreciate your honesty in this matter. However, I must disagree. I am not suggesting that you run out and have them turned over to professionals, but if someone expresses genuinely suicidal impulses and you fail to intervene, there is a lifetime of very deep wounding that goes along with that. Of course we must use discernment and caution, but I have known far too many people who have used such caution and live with the regret for life.
Further, in most places, especially where minors are concerned, you are legally liable for not acting on such information. You advice is very helpful and augments what I was saying very, very well. However, I must stand by my advice in that respect. Of course, you are entitled to disagree.
It is true that it is hard for people to understand what they have not experienced, but that should not be the primary qualifier for making such a decision. Suicidal impulses are not reflections of clear or sound thinking or judgment. Ones present experience of such impulses is not a qualifier for knowing when to share and not to share- in fact, most often, it is just the opposite. This is not a value judgment, but a simply a matter of fact.
Finally, it is very dangerous for people to assume, apart from adequate training and experience, that they can properly support someone in this situation. Common sense can often be detrimental, thus the need to involve professionals. This might involved making inquiries with professionals without exposing the persons identity, etc., which seems to be what you are assuming I suggest. All I am saying is that you CANNOT and SHOULD NOT attempt to carry this in secret without some professional input. For some that will mean intervention, while for others not.
Thank you again for you very vulnerable and helpful advice in respect to how to support people through these struggles.
Peace,
Jamie
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Jamie – thank you for your response. I think I agree with much of what you have said in your response. I agree that, as you have now clarified, seeking your own professional counsel without revealing the identity of your suicidal friend is often a good option (and not revealing this act to your confiding friend), especially compared to my main concern: that anyone would back away from their friendship and refer their friend to a professional in their stead.
Hey Anon. Wow, 3 months and you remembered! Thanks for responding. Glad my clarity helped.
Peace,
Jamie