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If I have learned anything through the process of planting and pastoring Little Flowers Community (and I have learned a lot), it has been that when you see to love and serve people, you must come alongside them. Of course, this sounds like an obvious bit of common sense, but so often we approach people with a well-intentioned, but paternalistic stance. This is especially true when deal with people on the margins.
When you see people you love making consistently bad choices, it is hard not to step in and help. The problem is not that impulse, but rather when our commitment to help them surpasses their willingness to help themselves. The drain of energy and emotion that results from fighting the tide in this way will kill your ability to sustainably serve people and care for yourself.
This does not mean we cannot or should not live sacrificially for others. After all, the cross models Christ’s willingness to give unto death even while we were still lost in sin. In the same way, there are times we will serve others at a high price to ourselves. However, more often than not we find that we fail to see where service cross-over into enabling and condescension.
The best adivce I have ever heard in respect to working with poor came in a line from the brialliant short documentary “The Devil Plays Hardball”. A long-time activist says (and I paraphrase as best I remember):
“When a homeless person tells you to ‘F–k off!’, the best thing you can do is ‘f–k off’. It is the best courtesy they will ever extend to you.”
Good advice.
P.S. On a related note, check out this difficult wisdom on the topic from my friend Eliacín.
“However, more often than not we find that we fail to see where service cross-over into enabling and condescension.”
Jamie, this is so true, and it extends to “helping” people with needs who may not fall outside our perceived margins. I “helped” someone once, to the extent that I became a part of the codependent mess because I didn’t understand the principal you’re describing. At first I assumed I was just experiencing that self-sacrificing high price, only later to realize i was paying the price for my pride and not really helping anyone. Hard lessons, but, once learned, they won’t be forgotten.
Good point, Cindy. This principle can stand true for those closest to us even. Be encouraged in this, though: you have to be close enough to a person to make this mistake. Far too many people don’t experience this dynamics because they have chosen a means of “charity” that is far too distant. Thanks for sharing your story.
Peace,
Jamie
Jamie, this is one of those deep—and seemingly obvious—truths that almost no one really understands or practices. I for one know my life would be very different right now if this had not been your normal M.O.
Great post. I just read about this last night in the New Friars. This is what they do. They live in the slums and with the poor instead of commuting to where they are. In coming alongside, I think you can understand and relate better, too. You gave me something new to think about too – about helping people who don’t want it. Hey – it’s their choice after all, isn’t it? It’s respectful to back off. Thanks, Jamie : )
Christopher,
How do you mean? Feel free to reply off thread if you want.
Peace,
Jamie
No worries, Carrie. Miss you heaps!
Peace,
Jamie
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